Life After Bizarro World

by Preston McNutt

Greetings, saints! I'm back from Bizarro World! A little worse for the wear, for sure. A little fractured in the gray matter; I might forget that you asked me a question 30 seconds ago, or I might struggle in mid-sentence finding a hard word like, ummm, see what I mean? a bit unsteady in gait; walking with a cane, apt to fall over sideways at any moment. He's no fun. He just falls over! Tests show I still have the same prodigious vocabulary, I just have trouble accessing it. But it's all coming back to me. The vestibular control (balance); the ability to focus without seeing two of everything; the short term memory; especially those incredible good looks! haha. Sense of humor never left, thanks be to God.

Seriously though, in the deepest darkest times, when my mind was somewhere totally disconnected from reality, I spoke with YHVH! Well, that's not quite right. I really didn't do any talking at all. I CONNECTED with Him. And He spoke with me. “Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night”; Ps. 17:3 And I came back from Bizarro World with an incredible hunger for Him. And for His Word. Not studying to get a sermon. Or to get material for an article. Or any other mundane worldly pursuit. I'm hungry for Him! To be like Him. To be immersed in Him. To feel like He feels. To care like He cares. To hurt like He hurts. To walk and talk and breathe and move in the power of His resurrection. Do you get it? I was walking into eternity, gladly, at least twice, and prayers of faith brought me back. And whatever time I have left on this earth, I want it to be filled with the sweet presence of Yeshua! Each minute I spend with my wife DeLynne - and they are many - is a moment in eternity that is like meeting the love of my life for the first time and my heart jumps with anticipation. Every second I spend with my sons I eat up like they might be the last meal I'll ever have; the time I spend with brethren makes Ps. 133 come alive; how sweet and how pleasant it really is! You want to know how pleasant? My wife and I were in a Vineyard fellowship last Sunday, and the worship was sweet. Yes, I know it wasn't Sabbath, but look with me past the failures of the Church, and look to the Grace of God to meet an open heart anywhere, anytime. The atmosphere was thick, and suddenly DeLynne said, almost too loud, "Do you smell the Lord?" I was stunned! Did she really just ask me that? DeLynne is not given to extravagant pronouncements of God moving in our midst. I looked at her, and she looked surprised. So I sniffed. And I sniffed again. And, yes, I did smell something. It wasn't perfume. Or cologne. Or anything I recognized. Just a very faint and pleasant smell that made me feel calm. And full. Was it the Holy Spirit? I don't know. But I'll always believe it could have been. And you know what? The more we draw closer to Him, the closer He draws to us. And the closer He draws to us, well....the ways He manifests His presence to you will take your breath away!

Here's the thing about God's grace; it is just...well...amazing! James 4:8 says “Draw nigh unto God and He will draw nigh unto you”. The only problem with that verse though is, with our western way of thinking, it puts the task squarely on our shoulders to do the work of finding Him first. What if I don't know how to draw close? What if the grave clothes of my old sinful life make me believe I'm not worthy to get close to God? What if, what if? But here's the good news explained in 2 Chronicles 15:2 “the LORD is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him;” HALLELUJAH! He will LET YOU FIND HIM! Become a little child again. Play hide and seek with God. You do your part and start looking. He'll do His part. He'll stand behind the tree and whisper “Psssst. I'm over here! Behind the tree!” “Tee hee. Here I am! Look over here!” Yeah. I think God has a lot of fun with us if we'll just let Him.

Now you want to know just where or what is "Bizarro World", right?

For those Baby Boomers that grew up with Superman, Bizarro World was that weird “anti-world” where everyone was an exact opposite of people in the “real” world of the cartoon characters.

My family and I ushered in the New Year in the intensive care unit of Saint Alphonsus Regional Hospital in Boise, Idaho, where I spent the next two weeks in varying states of consciousness, mostly out of my mind in delirium. No sleep for the first three days induced a condition called “ICU Psychosis”, and from the notes my son Joshua took of my conversations, it truly was a bizarre experience indeed. The reason for such an unorthodox celebration? December 31st around ten oclock in the morning, I had a subarachnoid hemorrhage. Sounds like some sort of SciFi spider monster, doesn't it? It was a brain bleed. Now, I don't know if some of you know this, but you're not supposed to have blood leaking into your brain. Causes all sorts of nasty surprises. Like your legs and arms turning to jelly. And the whole world turning on its axis. Like everyone you know and love suddenly being part of an insidious conspiracy set on strapping you down and helping others do strange experiments on your brain. Oh, and not to mention the most incredible and intense pain you can imagine. Yeah. Whatever else you do in life, don't have a brain bleed.

After spending another two weeks in hospital in rehab, I was discharged January 27th and sent home to continue recovery in-home with visits to rehab services three days a week. For all the healing that was begun with the various phases of rehabilitation, recovery for me really began at 2:00 AM on the first night home. Still steeped in a dark cloud mentally, I awoke to an intense, deep depression, something I had never experienced before. It enveloped me like a thick mass, almost choking me with its intensity. I had never in my life felt so alone. And so desperately afraid. I was terrified. What if I stay like this the rest of my life? What if I can never think clearly again? At the risk of losing the respect of some, I'll admit thinking, I don't want to live like this. I can't. I won't. I wrestled for two hours with this demon of darkness. Oh God, help me, I cried out. And that's all it took. He answered. With amazing clarity but oh so softly. “Be still and know that I am God”. With those words, my mind went quiet. Then He said, “So what?”, meaning so what if you live the rest of your life in this condition. “Can you glorify Me anyway?” Yes. “Am I any less worthy of praise just because your condition has changed?” No sir. “Do you think I am somehow less able to use someone who is weakened in mind and body?” No sir. “You have always said you would trust Me always. Were those just empty words?” Ouch! No sir. What He told me next, I'll put in my own words, because it has such meaning in my country boy upbringing. “Straighten up and fly right.” Yes Lord. And I have not experienced another minute of depression. Not one. Praise God!

God is still God no matter what our circumstances. And He's worthy of praise. Always. So I'm challenging you. Whatever your dire situation, let's offer Him the fruit of our lips, the sacrifice of praise. Always. Amen.

Your Brother and Fellow Sojourner,
Preston McNutt